Cabin in the Woods 2
by lorenzovanmatterhorn
Summary: So the Hellgods come back and everyone dies horribly. Or do they? As a great woman once said 'That was then, this is now' All Joss' works end with an apocalypse but turns out ok in the end so let' have a look at the brave new world Dana and Marty created...


They sat there in one another's arms, sharing the last joint as the chamber collapsed around them, the images of the Fool and the Virgin shattering behind them on the massive stone tablets. They closed their eyes. It would be over soon. For them, maybe for all mankind.

"For Christ's sake COME ON!"

Marty and Dana opened their eyes to see Ronald the intern racing through the chamber. He hit a hidden switch on the wall and the stone panel slid back to reveal a shiny metal door with the words 'Director's Escape Pod' embossed on the metal. He opened it and jumped in, frantically beckoning them to join him.

Dana looked at Marty who shrugged at her in return. He picked her up and carried her across the chamber, Ronald pulling them inside and slamming the door behind them just in time to severe the fingers of the razor taloned hand which followed.

"FUCK YOU MANBAT!" he roared triumphantly as the still twitching digits fell to the floor of the capsule. Then there was noise and light, then blackness.

Marty picked himself up off the floor and raised himself unsteadily to his feet, bracing his hands against the metal sides of the capsule. Ronald was staring out of the porthole in the door and speaking intently into a radio mounted onto the side of their craft.

"Streetcar calling almighty, streetcar calling almighty…."

He followed Ronald's gaze, realising for the first time that they were floating hundreds of feet in the air, suspended by a trio of massive parachutes deployed above them. He was just in time to see an enormous demonic hand emerge from the ground beneath the cabin and smash it to smithereens. The creatures which erupted from the soil after it looked like nothing he had ever seen in his worst drug induced nightmares, a cross between giant octopuses, dinosaurs and every other conceivable monster that had ever haunted the dreams of man, standing hundreds of feet tall. One noticed the escape pod and idly reached out to take it into one enormous tendril spouting hand, as if curious at this new flying oddity. In spite of himself Marty quailed backwards, glad that Dana was still lying unconscious on the floor.

The hand disappeared in a flash of light followed a second later by an explosion so loud it seemed to rattle the fillings in Marty's head. He looked back at the hellgod whose demonic features were now filled with what was undeniably surprise as it held the bloodied and smoking stump where its' hand had once been up for examination, the other hellgods staring at it with equal shock. It let out a piercing scream which made Marty's insides twist in agony but it was silenced in an instant as its' head exploded in an avalanche of rubbery flesh and vile multi-coloured fluids. It seemed to take forever to fall to the ground, Marty able to feel as well as hear the sound of the massive impact.

"Yeah, how'd you like that you DEMONIC FUCKS!" Ronald yelled. "Welcome to the 21st century!" Suddenly the air was full of streaks of light and fire, the flailing hellgods disappearing behind a vast wall of smoke, their inhuman screams still audible over the thunder of the barrage. Severed limbs and tentacles, some still ablaze were thrown clear by the impact of the missiles.

"Wow, jumbo calamari" observed Marty.

The impact of the escape pod striking the ground jarred him off his feet. Ronald popped the hatch and then helped Marty get Dana to her feet and drag her outside, the fresh air bringing her around again. She opened her eyes to find the sky filled with helicopters.

"Second wave" Ronald observed. He looked with foreboding at the woods, dark and ominous even in the light of the fresh dawn. "Let's get out of here, the critters are still out there somewhere"

He began to walk in the direction which the helicopters had come from. Eventually Dana and Marty followed him.

One year later.

He kicked back in his chair taking a long draw from his reefer. No one would ever convince him that it was anywhere near as good now that they'd legalised it. That said he was quite partial to some of Starbucks flavoured brands. Well, he'd said civilisation needed to be brought down and rebuilt again, having to pay tax on his weed wasn't really what he had in mind.

He flicked on the news.

"In further news Congress today passed legislation to reintroduce compulsory prayer at all schools. This brings the US into line with the British Commonwealth and continental Europe where the Pope and Archbishop of Canterbury met yesterday to begin the formal handover of power from the Christian Federation back to secular authorities. The Pope will begin a whistle-stop tour of North America next week, the first for the Pontiff since assuming the role last month. A spokesman for the church commented that the entire nation is looking forward to greeting her. In related news authorities in Salem have announced an entire week free of witch burnings in the New England area. We'll be right back with a report on the Texas family who killed a giant supernatural snake and have now opened their own leather emporium and Arkansas launching their first statewide zombie hunting day"

The broadcast cut to a terrified looking family besieged in their house by a multitude of varied monsters, the father frantically rifling through his government issue 'Supernatural survival kit' for the correct countermeasure, a bright orange coloured plastic box with the words 'DON'T PANIC!' stamped helpfully on the side. The monsters fled at the sight of the pitchman walking into the centre of the scene, a man with a gleaming smile and a tan twice as bright.

"Are you confident that your government issue anti-monster kit is enough? What price do you put on your family and immortal soul?"

The scene switched to the same family happily shopping at a cavernous store filled with equally enthusiastic customers. Over them hung a giant cardboard cut-out of the pitchman using a cross to hammer a generic monster.

"Come to Jerry's Crucifix Store for all your anti-occult needs. We've got stakes, silver bullets in every calibre you can imagine, holy water blessed by the representatives of all major religions, talismans, flamethrowers, chainsaws, mystic daggers, blessed swords, sacred texts, charm bracelets, anti-charm bracelets, chicken feet so fresh they're still in the chicken, guns guns guns and every sort of grenade under the sun. If evil can think of it, we've got something to kick its' ass! At Jerry's Crucifix Store our motto is 'Our prices won't be beaten and you won't get eaten!"

He changed the channel. It was a talk show. One guest had his face pixilated, wearing the t-shirt of the 27/30 movement, demanding the ethical treatment of werewolves. You didn't need a t-shirt to know that the other was a sexy witch. The skimpy black lingerie, matching high heels, beautiful face and body a pornstar would die for left little room for doubt. Just for good measure she topped it off with a broomstick, black cloak and pointy hat from under which her long black hair flowed. A large black cat stretched contentedly on her lap, purring as it rested on her stockings tops whilst she stroked its' tummy. Eventually he was able to tear his eyes away from her long enough to concentrate on what the man was saying.

"90% of the time I'm as human as the rest as you. I live, I feel, I breathe, hell I coach little league. 10% of the time I lock myself up so that I don't hurt people. I am not a monster, I keep the wolf in check. But I shouldn't have to. With a homeland I could run free with the rest of the pack and never hurt a soul. Poison me and I die, tickle me and I laugh, cut me and I bleed"

It was her turn to speak "We sexy witches are no threat to mankind. We just want to be left alone. All we need is a homeland, a refuge. Hawaii, Tasmania, Madagascar, all devastated in the war. We could rebuild them, make a world of our own.

"But some of the species are inherently evil!" the interviewer protested.

"And some aren't" the man objected. He gestured to the sexy witch whose nametag gave her name as Miranda May "We're not. The unicorns aren't. The sasquatch aren't. Even the vampires only need to feed and they've got fetishists queuing up around the block to let them bleed them. We don't need to fight, we can all co-exist"

He turned back to the news. Ronald looked uncomfortable in his suit and tie, bathed under the bright lights of the multiple press cameras surrounding him. The capitol building was still being rebuilt, scaffolding and workmen clearly visible in the background. You could just make out the baying of the crowd outside held back by hordes of military police in riot gear. The representative for Ohio went first.

"Mr McDonald we have read your report with interest. I must ask you how it feels to be responsible for the global deaths of 5 billion people?"

Ronald adjusted his tie and lent forwards "Congresswoman Sylvester I would not know. My organisation saved the lives of those 5 billion people not to mention the one and a half billion who remain"

There was uproar in the chamber and cries of 'Shame'. Sylvester let the tumult die down then continued "Mr McDonald your organisation has been responsible for the brutal and torturous murder of millions of people over thousands of years, reaching right back into recorded history. And that was BEFORE you unleashed the unspeakable horrors that have massacred the Earth's population over the last year"

Ronald took a sip of water before replying. "Congresswoman we never released any monsters. By making the sacrifices as we did we kept the hellgods placated whilst mankind developed to the degree that we were finally able to defeat them. Had we not done so you, your ancestors and everyone in this room would not be here because humanity would have been exterminated thousands of years ago, human civilization would never even have existed. We were able to defeat the hellgods at terrible price because we appeased them until we were ready to take them on. Imagine had we been forced to fight them without smart weaponry, without aircraft and nuclear fission? I make no apologies for ensuring the survival of mankind and saving billions. Every great figure in history has participated in the necessary evil of our conspiracy. It is sheer hypocrisy to be criticized for being forced to make sacrifices for the greater good by those whose lives we saved"

The uproar in the chamber almost drowned out by the sound of the car arriving. Marty switched off the TV and went to the door, checking first on his cctv. You still had to be careful, there were still plenty of monsters about even after the destruction of the last of the hellgods, hunted down by submarines as they sought refuge in the oceans depths.

"Hey babe" he greeted Dana, kissing her passionately. "Do you want some tea or should we just…?"

She shook her head and took his hand, leading him down to the basement. As she walked she stripped off her t-shirt, shoes and jeans, folding them neatly into a pile before adding her underwear. She had long since lost any embarrassment of appearing naked before Marty, even before they had become lovers. She walked into the cage and he closed the door behind her, locking it securely and checking it was properly shut. They waited together for a moment, neither knowing what to say.

"Do you want me to bring me you a TV or…?"

"Just go Marty" she told him "You know I don't like you to see me….see me when it happens"

He nodded and made his way upstairs. Werewolf keeper was a weird way to spend the holiday weekend but in fairness he'd had weirder.


End file.
